hopeafterhomicide.org

Reactions to Expect

 

 

Trauma. Crisis. Devastation. Vulnerability. Stress. Confusion.

 

The exaggerated grief responses of homicide survivors are normal responses to abnormal events.  Each survivor’s level and intensity of grief differs according to his/her personality, coping ability, previous experience with crisis, support system, and relationship with the deceased. 

 

Knowing these emotions and feelings are normal at this time, may, in a small but significant way, help you cope with them.

 

Initial reactions can include but are not limited to:

 

• Shock is a natural response to a crisis/traumatic event.  Shock is the brain’s natural way of insulating you against the full impact of the loss, similar to being given a general anesthetic. When the psychological shock is so severe as occurs in unexpected deaths, there may be no memory of what was said or done.  Some survivors have compared it to being numb or feeling detached from their bodies while watching themselves struggle from a distance. 

  • Characteristics of shock and numbness appear to be most intense in the first two weeks but may peak again on the anniversary of the death or at other trigger points in the life of the bereaved. 

 

Shock can also be a physical response:

• Disorientation/Confusion, and numbness, being unable to cry.

• Fight-or-Flight reaction:  Adrenaline begins to pump through the body.  Nausea, physical senses can become more acute and/or shut down, Heart rate increases.  Hyperventilation, sweating.  Due to the persistence of these symptoms, exhaustion will result.

• Shortness of breath

• Problems speaking

 

• Months and years after a loss, many people look back at the first weeks and months following the death and realize that they had been in some degree of shock; and, as it wore off, they began to feel more of the raw pain of their loss.  This is one of the main reasons why, months after a death, bereaved people often report feeling worse.  Therefore, it is important for you to understand that, as your numbness subsides, you will begin to experience more fully some of the other grief reactions.

 

• Denial following a violent and unanticipated loss should be considered normal and functional.  Denial will serve you well until you are stronger and better able to cope.  Most experts feel that during the early periods of grief it is impossible for the human mind to grasp the full reality of the death because our brain has thousands of cells loaded with memories of this person alive and well.

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• Occurs in degrees ranging from total nonrecognition of the death to complete acceptance of the reality, something which may take many months or even years.

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• You many find yourself expecting him/her to come walking through the door any minute. 

 

• As denial and shock begin to wear off, other grief reactions, such as anger and depression, begin to emerge.

 

• Emotional Numbness, you may not feel sad, angry, or even very upset about the death.  You may be unable to cry.  Emotional numbness bothers many people because of the absence of feelings and reactions. 

 

The reactions of Shock, Denial, and Emotional Numbness, all work together to protect you from the incredible overload that would take place in your mind, body, and spirit.

 

 

After the initial phases have worn off, the real work of homicide bereavement begins.  Although the grief is often interrupted or put on hold during the criminal justice process, the intensity, persistence, and complexity of emotions are still present.  The grief process will become part of your very being, and may be the purest pain you have ever known.  As traumatic as homicide is, the aftermath is often worse.  There is abundant clinical evidence indicating that following homicidal death family members are at risk for developing sustained and dysfunctional psychological reactions. 

 

Emotional Grief Reactions can include but are not limited to:

 

• Anger, many survivors feel guilty about their anger, but it is a completely normal feeling. 

 

• It is common to get worked up over minor everyday things that normally you take in stride, but now seem unbearable

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• May find that you are not only angry with the person who killed your loved one, but may others, including God, the doctors, investigating officers, and even your family.

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• You may be angry with everyone who seems to be going on with life as if nothing happened. 

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• You may even be angry at your dead loved one for abandoning you, no matter how much you know it wasn’t his/her fault. 

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• Anger manifests itself physically as well as emotionally.  If you suppress anger, or try to prevent yourself from feeling it, you may develop problems in your body.  Symptoms can include headaches, stomachaches, colitis, backaches, high blood pressure, and others.

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• Your anger may never completely go away.  With time and support your anger can be managed and may even contribute to helping you gain some control in your life. 

 

• Deep sadness may be lurking beneath the anger.  While anger does not feel good, it is usually less painful than sadness.  You will eventually need to give up some of the anger, rage, and vengeance to experience the feelings underneath.

 

• Guilt is normal.  There is most always some sense of guilt in grief.  Guilt is related to a sense of control over, and the search for a reason for, the murder of a loved one.   Guilt following a loss can be due to any of the following:

• Over having done or said something that is now regretted.

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• Over not having done or said something.

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• Over something related to the cause of the death.

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• Over not grieving enough.

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• Over grieving “too much”.

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• Over having other emotional reactions to the loss, such as anger, jealousy, or relief that the death has occurred.

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• Over feeling better.

 

• It is common to keep mulling over the circumstances leading up to the death and wondering if anything could have been done to stop it from happening.

 

• “If only I had ______________,” becomes a familiar theme for nearly all family members of a homicide.  Human beings tend to believe a lot of things that don’t make sense when examined closely.  For instance:

• People who love each other should always be responsible for each other and be able to protect each other.

• If I had been a better person, this wouldn’t have happened to my loved one.

• If I begin to feel better, it will mean that I didn’t love him/her enough.

• It is not right that my loved one died, and I continue to live.

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• It’s okay to feel guilty for a while, but ask yourself these important questions:

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• “How long am I going to continue to “beat myself up”?

• “When am I going to say, “I’ve suffered enough.”?

• “What would it take to lessen my guilt?”

• “Would my loved one want me to be feeling like this?”

• In most cases, other factors were largely responsible for your loved one’s death.  The person who killed your loved one either chose to do so or was negligent in such a way that the death happened.  Talking with others who truly understand what you’re going through can help you look at your guilt realistically.  Feeling less guilty won’t take away your sadness or your anger, but it can be a big load off our shoulders.  It will be worth the effort to lesson your burden. 

 

• Fear.  Survivors express a pervasive sense of fearfulness and apprehension, feeling vulnerable to further psychological or physical assaults.  These fears are not irrational.  The world is no longer safe as was previously believed.  Parents restrict remaining children, worry about business or personal travel of other loved ones, and restrict their own activity. 

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• Murder violates our belief that we have a right to life and is in direct opposition to the high value we place on life. 

• It is okay to be afraid at this time in your life.  It is common to be scared to go out, to suffer feelings of panic, anxiety, and confusion in busy environments.  Fear reactions can help us to avoid further pain; but too much fear can paralyze us. 

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• Many survivors are surprised to find that they feel anxious, fearful, and powerless in the aftermath of a killing.  Although you know that tragedies occur, you may have believed that they happened to other people.  Before your trauma, you may have felt uniquely invulnerable.  It wouldn’t happen to you. 

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• You may feel that you and your remaining loved ones are more vulnerable that others.  Little by little, you can overcome these fears.  It is maddening to realize that the killer not only destroyed your loved ones, but also damaged the part of you that was previously confident and carefree. 

 

• Sorrow and Sadness are natural human conditions, not dysfunctions.  Sorrow is often used as a synonym for grief and it is a vital response to loss because it heralds emotional healing. 

• It’s okay to feel lousy. Some days will be worse than others. 

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• Cry and cry if you need to. Do not suppress crying, it is a natural channel through which your mind and body can work through the pain. Some bereaved people cry a great deal, some cry a little, and some don’t cry at all. 

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• If one does not express this emotion, it will be expressed in some other way—on the physical or emotional level. 

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• Intense sadness is often the most powerful long-term reaction to violent crime.

 

• Depression differs from sadness in that it is a combination of sadness and pessimism, that is, the belief that things will never get better. 

• Many bereaved feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile.  These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little family.

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• Survivors often report that they cannot imagine that they will ever be happy again.

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• It feels as though the world has stopped turning.

 

• Symptoms of some physical and emotional distresses:

• Sleeplessness

• Tightness in the throat

• Choking, with shortness of breath

• A need for sighing

• Empty, hollow feeling in the stomach

• Lack of muscular power

• Digestive symptoms and poor appetite

• Slight sense of unreality

• Feeling of emotional distance from people—that no one really cares or understands.

• Sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self-destruction, or the desire to run away and forget it all.

 

• These emotional disturbances may cause many to feel that they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are normal.

 

• Withdrawal.  Survivors withdraw to try to make sense out of tragedy, leaving little emotional energy for others.

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• Tend to withdraw from social relationships due to feeling that others do not understand how they feel. 

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• May experience an emotional separation from previous important relationships. There us often a disconcerting loss of warmth and a tendency to respond with irritability and anger.  These feelings are surprising and inexplicable to the bereaved.

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• Learn to isolate themselves and develop behaviors that allow them to avoid unpleasant reminders of the murder.

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• Time and ventilation of feelings will finally produce a better situation.  All the sudden light shines through the gloom and the darkness of despair, and life comes into clearer focus.  The person readjusts to his environment in which the deceased is missing and forms new relationships. 

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