Homicide Grief

Homicide Grief....Why It's Different

Most of us have experienced grief, sorrow, and sadness after the death of someone we love. Bereavement is expected, understood, and normal. We are familiar with normal grief, we understand death due to natural causes, to sickness, and to accidents. When a loved one is murdered, the expectation of experience normal grief is the first roadblock survivors must overcome.

Now, think of everything you know about grief and forget it. Nothing can prepare us for the emotional destruction brought about by the murder of a loved one.

Homicide demands the acceptance of traumatic death. Survivors experience practical, emotional, psychological, and legal problems as a result of the murder of their loved ones. Bereavement reactions may be more severe, causing coping mechanisms to be overwhelmed. Learning to cope is will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Homicide grief is like no other, be patient with yourself, be good to yourself, and seek help.

If I had to describe grief after homicide with one word? Catastrophic. The effects of homicide reach beyond the death of the victim to shatter the lives of family members. From the exact moment of the death notification, the person we were just moments before ceases to exist. Survivors will develop new patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. We have lost a loved one at the hands of another, and we have lost ourselves to that very same person. Not only will we have to learn to grieve and navigate the criminal justice system, we have to learn to live again.

“Everything happens for a reason.”. A saying as old as time. Reason seeking for a homicide survivor will keep the brain in a constant state of agitation. Trauma creates chaos in our brain and can alter brain chemistry for decades. Many survivors become obsessed with the case, everything not connected seems unimportant. Persistent thoughts of reenactment, remorse, retaliation, and overprotection of other family members are just a few results of the brain’s quest for a reason. The days will be long and the nights will be short. Your life becomes consumed by violence and its repercussions.

Recognizing the loss of self and the brain’s constant pursuit of reasoning are just two of the challenges homicide survivors face, but they are the foundation on which complicated grief is built. A violent death takes out everyone around it, there will be times the emotional and physical effects seem uncontrollable.

Survivors enter into a world that is not understood by most people, but know this:

You can survive. You may not think so, but you can.
You can be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings. All of your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened.
You are not crazy, you are mourning.
Don’t be afraid to cry, tears are healing.
Give yourself time to heal.
Give yourself permission to have rough times.
Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond surviving.